In my experience as an intercultural coach, a story I remember vividly is that of Pedro, a Mexican executive I was training for an expat assignment in the U.S. He told me that during a business trip to Detroit, an urgent situation arose that required the approval of an American colleague. He went to his colleague Owen’s office and seeing that he was on the phone, he tried to make eye contact, but Owen seemed to be absorbed in the call, so Pedro walked into his office and interrupted him.
Obviously annoyed, Owen stopped his phone conversation and looked at Pedro and asked, “Don’t you see I’m on the phone?” When Pedro tried to explain the urgent situation, Owen simply interrupted him and said, “When I’m done, I’ll see take a look” and did the unthinkable. He turned his back to Pedro. As Pedro told me this story, I could hear the indignation in his voice as he relived the experience, feeling the humiliation of Owen’s apparent disdain. He told me that after that experience, he made sure to avoid Owen at all costs.
Although this conflict felt very personal to Pedro, I realized that my task as a coach was to guide him through the cultural elements of the experience so that he could see what he had not seen before. One of the dimensions that is measured in many cross-cultural tools is whether a culture is more relationship-oriented or task-oriented, as highlighted by Fons Trompenaars and Charles Hampden-Turner in Riding the Waves of Culture.
As Pedro was able to confirm in his Cultural Assessment, he was relationship-oriented, so his expectation was that Owen would show solidarity and prioritize his presence. In Mexico, relationships are highly valued, which is why the greeting protocol is so important, as well as other signs of courtesy. When people in a group talk to each other, great care is taken to avoid turning their backs on others, to show respect and inclusion and protect the dignity of all.
In the United States, however, people tend to be more task-oriented, as was probably the case with Owen, and that usually involves doing things sequentially, prioritizing the order of tasks and people being served. Time and space are valued and protected as part of a personal patrimony, and interruptions are considered rude and imposing.
Owen likely felt that Pedro’s approach was aggressive and adopted a defensive attitude to block out the unpleasant interaction with Pedro. It was, I explained to Pedro, as if I had reached into Owen’s pocket, grabbed his wallet and taken his money without his consent. He probably felt a bit violated.
Pedro’s perspective suddenly changed. He had seen the situation from his own cultural filter and hadn’t stopped to consider how the narrative might be a little different from Owen’s point of view. This type of exchange is an example of why it is so important to avoid jumping to conclusions in our interactions. This is essential in the development of interpersonal intelligence.
When we find ourselves in the midst of a cultural disconnect, it can result in a sense of frustration and indignation. But if we recognize that behaviors stem from different cultural values rather than intentional rudeness, that perspective is the first step in bridging the gap. Some strategies that can help us are:
- Cultivate cultural awareness: Start by educating yourself about the cultural norms and values of the people you interact with on a regular basis. Whether it’s your colleagues, clients, or even service providers from other regions, understanding their cultural background can prevent misunderstandings before they arise.
A project manager would open a map while talking to colleagues in India and ask where they were located so he could better visualize them in his mind. He would also share a little tidbit about his location. Each interaction was an opportunity to expand his cultural knowledge and connect with his colleagues on a deeper level. - Ask, don’t assume: Showing natural curiosity when it comes to new cultures can help establish mutual understanding. For example, if colleagues are celebrating a national holiday, asking about the origin of the holiday shows that you’re eager to learn. It’s always flattering when someone shows a natural curiosity towards us, and it’s nice to share.
When working with new cross-cultural teams, you may ignore the cultural element, but sooner or later you will have to face it. I recommend acknowledging this early on to lessen the storming phase of team development. If you’re leading a new cross-cultural team, it can be a great idea to start with a team-building activity where team members share a little bit about themselves and their cultures, and how they prefer to work. - Express your intention and assume a positive intent in others: It is easy to assume. That’s why giving a little context can be a big help when you start working with a multicultural team. Let your new team know that you have good intentions and want to have a smooth and harmonious working relationship. Also, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Most people don’t go around wanting to intentionally offend people. This shift in perspective can soften your response and create a more positive interaction and promote a sense of goodwill.
Too often in the U.S., we hear about people getting caught up in perceived offenses because someone used an outdated term or made a comment or observation that seemed ignorant. I have been the recipient of ignorant comments both in this country and abroad, but instead of getting angry, I use the moment as a teaching opportunity. None of us is an expert in all cultural practices, so it would behoove us to show the same patience to others as we would expect to receive if we made a mistake.
For example, when people say to me, “Are your parents Cuban? You don’t look Cuban.” I take the opportunity to educate, rather than scold the person for a perceived “microaggression.” I sometimes share the fact that Cuba has a rich and diverse ethnic population, which was one of the last Spanish colonies and had a large and constant Spanish influx.
I remember being surprised when a colleague who I thought was Indian told me she was from Trinidad and Tobago. When I asked her about that, she kindly explained that there had been a large diaspora from northern India that settled in the Caribbean in the 19th century. I’m glad she wasn’t offended by my ignorance. In my view, there is always an opportunity to act as an ambassador and bestow the gift of knowledge. - Forewarned is forearmed: I learned this the hard way. When I lived in Mexico, I had a gardener. I asked him to trim the trees and mow the lawn. When he let the bushes and trees get too big, in my frustration and in an attempt to give him feedback, I said something like, “Jaime, mowing the lawn is something I can do myself. I need you to prune the trees.” After that, he never returned.
I realized that my feedback style had been too blunt. I told the next gardener that I was Cuban-American and that I may sometimes sound very direct, but please not take it personally and tell me if I offended. Although we had our differences of opinion, we were able to communicate without him giving up like the first guy.
Encourage others to share when they feel uncomfortable or misunderstood. Creating a space where feedback is welcomed helps everyone navigate cultural differences more effectively. - Reflect and adapt: After a cultural disconnect, take some time to reflect on what happened. Ask yourself what you could do differently next time. Not only does this self-awareness help you grow, but it also improves future interactions.
The ability to recover from a disconnect is a key element in Emotional Intelligence, a key component to mastering Cultural Intelligence, which in turn is part of the broader Interpersonal Intelligence.
I remember one occasion when I was asked to give a virtual lecture to women in a Mexican company. At one point, I gathered typical female archetypes and included one for women who tend to be strong in their styles and labeled it “The Bitch.” Nowadays the word is not taboo in the United States, and I had seen references to this archetype in several TEDx talks, but it seemed harsh and vulgar in my presentation in Spanish to the Mexican group.
After the session, I received negative feedback on that particular point and was initially discouraged to realize that I had miscalculated my audience’s reaction, but I reflected and learned. Although I had lived in Mexico for twenty years, there were still things I didn’t know. I apologized to one of the stakeholders, admitting that I had made assumptions and thanked them for their feedback. Instead of giving up and avoiding another situation like that, I was grateful for the opportunity to learn something new about a culture I thought I knew so well.
Cultural differences will inevitably show up in our interactions in our changing world, but in the end, navigating them is less about mastering every nuance and more about maintaining curiosity, openness, and a willingness to adjust our approach. After all, the real challenge is not in the differences themselves, but in how we choose to respond to them. By approaching every interaction with humility and a genuine desire to connect, we not only bridge cultural gaps, but also enrich our own experience of the world.
